Tuesday, 27 January 2009

A sober month completed

I haven't added anything new for a while because the past couple of weeks blurred together. The impulse to do something at the weekend wasn't there and I was quite content passing the time doing odds and sods, bits of nothing really - I watched a lot of TV, not much else.

I did a month without drinking and had a few drinks at the weekend. I'd been out on Friday for a birthday, but found it really boring by the end. I'd never really thought of it that way before, but I couldn't imagine going round to a mate's house and sitting talking for four hours solid, but that's kind of what I was doing by going to pubs sober. I'm still not the biggest fan of going out and not drinking, although I know it's not that bad really, so in future I think I will be happier just not going out if I am not drinking. I don't enjoy the company of drunks and feel bad for making people awkward and self-conscious by having a sober person sat there with their brains fully switched on while they begin to relax and get silly. I don't like putting people in that situation by my presence, so I'll probably just stay at home more often than not.

I had a few pints of bitter and felt fine - no "going to my head" episodes! I was paying attention to the speed I drank and managed to control things okay. It was a pleasant night and although I went out again on Sunday I was tired and didn't have many. Yesterday was an interesting one. I was curious to compare how I would feel then as opposed to the past month. And I could feel the crooked fingers of gloom trying to paw at me. It is a combination of the depressant effect of alcohol with having to be up too early to go to work, meaning the first part of the day is spent fighting against its effects. I take two things from this - firstly that I am at that age now where my body doesn't recover as quickly as it once did, and that drinking more than a couple of nights in a row is probably the point when I begin to get a bit boo-hoo afterwards. It certainly didn't use to depress me quite so much but that doesn't change the fact that it does now, so to keep that at bay I'll have to give my body all the time it needs to handle things properly.

I think I'll pass this on to my girlfriend now. She's been good for the past month, and any time I've got defensive I've realised after a moment that it was just me being silly. I hope the past month showed her that I take what she says seriously and that I'm not a slave or addict to anything; the thought of that repulses me so I can understand why she wouldn't want it that way either. We come from different backgrounds and trying to adapt to her ways is really difficult sometimes, this being just one of them, so my hope is that the changes I'm making help us meet somewhere in the middle. As I said right at the start, conflict goes against everything in my nature which is probably why I've gone on this masochistic journey in the first place, but to people like me, well, it's better to take the hits yourself if it keeps the peace. The next step is to work on keeping things moderate. Everyone knows that silly voice in your head that says "just another one", and everyone gives in to it sometimes, but it seems to piss her off so much if I slip that we stop liking each other. I know where she's coming from since I don't like her much either when she's had one too many but I've never known it be such a problem to someone before. So, well, the great experiment I started a month ago continues and I keep on trying to re-program myself to be a better man.

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