Thursday, 18 March 2010

End of the alco team

Just a quick look back on things now, as I've a lot of other things on my mind. None of this is really clear in my head yet, anyway, so there's no point trying to go into it too much.

I had my last session with Mark yesterday, just a short one to wrap things up. I didn't want to make a scene so I put a positive face on things. Going has certainly helped me swing things round from the way I was heading for the last few years, but that's all it can do - just give you a nudge. The rest of the time I'm on my own and only have my own willpower to rely on, my own head to listen to, my own decisions to make. Going to see these people hasn't done much to make those decisions any easier, it's just put them at the front of my mind all the time rather than me shoving them to the back whenever convenient.

I'm seeing a counsellor now instead, for up to ten sessions. Depends how it goes, y'know. I don't really know at the moment why I'm doing it, as it just seemed a good idea months ago when they first suggested it to me. It takes that long to get an appointment. By now, I feel like I've already done some of the things that counselling would have helped me to do, so I don't really know why I'm going? It was a bit weird today seeing this middle-aged woman three feet away from me and asking me why I was there. I think that's a really bad way to begin. It just left me flummoxed for words and wondering where the hell to start. Surely the point of seeing someone like them is that you bury your real reasons behind everyday denial and confusion so to be asked outright what's wrong with you is like going to your GP and explaining that a weakness in your aorta has been aggravated by an infection you picked up on a recent holiday leading to your shallow breathing and increased blood pressure.

I'll give it a go anyway. I remember going into this right at the beginning being sceptical they'd be of any use to me, but they had a few useful things to say over the course of it. Maybe something will come of this too. I know I don't enjoy the way I relate to my dad much but what can be done about it now? He's the person he is, I was brought up the way I was, we're not close, so what? I think we both prefer it that way. It just means we don't involve each other in private parts of our lives unless drink is involved, but I've had enough of that now anyway so I've been stopping that too. I don't know how often I'll see the man really since the times just don't come up any more when we cross paths. It's a shame as I do like him but it's kinda like any relationship, you can't get by just based on being pissed. It's too hard to keep up and even when you try there's not much of substance there.

I don't know what I think about my mum. I've tried to get to know her better and we get on alright and all that, but I still wonder what other people are on about when they talk about their mums. To me she's just another person, I'm not dependent on her in any way and have never felt I have been. I don't really know any other way since that's the way it's always been so I don't feel like I'm "missing" anything by it. I've always had my sisters anyway. I like her a lot as a person, don't get me wrong.

I think what I would have talked to the counsellor about months ago, was how difficult I found it at the time to admit that I was struggling with drinking to my mum and dad. Like I said, I've always had a distance between myself and them so it wasn't something I ever felt like I needed to do. When it got bad at the end of last year though, it seemed admitting things to people was necessary and I eventually told them both. I told my mum, and she was okay about it, and we have the occasional word now and then about it. I told my dad, and it became a discussion about depression and suicide and so on. It's done now anyway, so that difficulty has passed, and I no longer really feel like I have any difficulties in my life other than keeping an eye on my drinking habits.

Sorry for that ramble - just trying to clear things up in my head.

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